Ray* went to college to study criminal justice; his father was a police officer and he planned on becoming a police officer too. He never felt pressured to follow in his father’s footsteps; he just decided he wanted to become a cop. After college he applied for the force—they started the background checks and he was ready for the physical exam and the psych evaluation.
But Ray was never accepted to the academy. There was something in his background check that made him an undesirable applicant, despite repeated attempts and explanations, and Ray never became a cop. Was his family disappointed? If so, they never said anything, just that they were disappointed for him rather than in him. Was Ray disappointed in himself? He doesn’t know how to describe it. There is a disappointment in not achieving his goal and a shame for the way things ended up.
Jen* went to college and got a degree. She got a steady job in an office and wanted to move out of the area and out of her parents’ home to start her adult life, paying bills and taking care of herself. Her parents disapproval weighed on her so heavily that it made her doubt her decision. Eventually, she decided to do it anyway. Her parents helped her move, but were always vocal with their opinions. Jen fell in love and wanted to move away; her parents strongly disapproved, and made disparaging remarks.
She moved away and later got married and had a home and a family. Despite being in her mid-twenties she constantly doubted the decisions she was making and if she was ready for them, because she knew her parents disapproved. It brought her to tears repeatedly and weighed heavily on her mind. What should have been an exciting time of her life was instead an agonizing choice, with a constant fear of failure.
Raised “Right”
As children, our parents are the first people in our life to give us disapproval or praise. We are rewarded for good behavior and our achievements, and we receive punishment for bad behavior—or maybe even our shortcomings. Freud says that as babies we learn and come to internalize our parents’ values and rules. He calls this the “Super Ego” and claims this internalization is our conscience later in life when we make decisions between right and wrong.
We want to make choices and take opportunities in life that would make our parents proud, which often leads to choosing activities or interests we feel they would approve of. As we grow up, though, we start to form our own opinions; there are other factors that help form our views and peek our curiosities. So, at what point in our lives do we separate ourselves from that yearning to please our family? As an adult do we still feel as if we disappoint or even failed our parents when we don’t meet their expectations?
While I was growing up my parents were very firm about rules, and I always held them in the back of my mind. Even though I didn’t start thinking about breaking the rules until I was 15 — and then it was only because I had a desire to be with my friends — I wasn’t perfect. The whole time I had a knot in my stomach at the idea of getting caught and facing my parents. I got good grades; I was timely; I tried to be nice to everyone. I didn’t date much, and I never tried anything stronger than alcohol. Now that I am in my late twenties, I still do well at work—I am timely and never call in sick; I still try to be generous and kind.
When I was a teenager I saw the world as black and white—what my parents had taught me was right; anything else was just “wrong.” There was no gray area. Now that I am an adult, I will always believe in a strong work ethic and respect for others, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with using a sick day for mental health. I think adults should and do sometimes date just for fun. I even think marijuana should be legalized.
Will I ever do any of those things? I highly doubt it—and I couldn’t even explain why at this point in my life. If I called my mom and said, “hey I skipped work today and am smoking a bowl with Ted; I met him last night, he’s my new neighbor,” I know she would be horrified to tears (and that is not a weird scenario, I live in California). Not only is that something I wouldn’t say even if I did do it, but I also know I could never bring myself to actually do it, either. There may no longer be parental punishments involved and I don’t think I would feel like I was failing them, but now it feels like I would disappoint myself.
*Names have been changed.
Article written by Liz Soucia for Moxy Magazine, September 2011. Photo Credit: flickr.com user dr_XeNo.
